Super Bowl tips from a man with some deep rooted and heretofore unresolved anger issues

Hello reader, you may be in town for the Super Bowl and if so I say "Hello, welcome to our fair city. Enjoy your time and be responsible." Chances are, however, that you're not, and so really I'd like to say to such visitors "Fuck you. Go Home."

This post isn't really about that, but I know what all of these out-of-towners are going to do: Piss me off.

Suprisingly, this is not a difficult task. Most people piss me off on the regular. It's just that, having recently moved closer to the hellish epicenter of Broad Ripple (Butler U's party villa / casual sex zone for the unitiated), my ire towards human beings has increased.

There are lots of reasons to hate this 'district' and it's not just the Cabbies (which, while I'm at it, fuck you guys, too).

See, here it is: Crosswalks. Fucking Crosswalks, man. They put these shits in the road for a reason. For people on foot to cross the street. I consider myself a nice guy (though this post may suggest otherwise), if you're on the strip and you cross at the crosswalk like a civilized human being, I will stop for you. I will come to a halt and allow you to pass before me. Honestly. No bullshit.

But you don't want to do that, do you drunk idiot? Nope, you want to cross wherever the hell you want. Which is fine, I guess, but I'm not going to stop. You can flip me off, you can give me the 'I'm walking here' expression and arm flail thing, but I do not fucking care.

"But Phillip, man, the pedestrian has the right away!" Yeah, they do, you're right. Except you're forgetting one key detail, they have the right of way AT THE FUCKING CROSSWALK. At the god damned designated areas to cross the road pedestrians do, in fact, have the right of way. Sometimes in life you're going to have to walk out of the way a little to get your slice of pizza or back alley handjob or whatever, but it's a minor inconvenience at best.

So when you're in Broad Ripple attempting to drink away the realities of your meager existence, please, for the love of me not getting carted off to jail for vehicular manslaughter, be patient and don't use the streets as your personal fucking playpen.

Thank you - Phillip